Seeing Reality As You Make It
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Mar. 4th, 2014 | 04:31 pm
posted by: nim_hwa_neul in colormeuntitled
Summary: Kyungsoo has a hard time accepting his reality.
Warnings: lightly implied rape, implied depression...probably a couple more but they are extremely light, like transparent. I know what they are but I don't think they really came out in the story.
a/n: this is set in the Loveless au (the link is to the wiki page) and is mostly self indulgent but I'm pretty happy with the turn out so I thought I'd share.
Words are powerful.
They can ensure a person’s happiness as easily as they can throw another into despair.
They can set up someone’s future and then rip it to shreds soon after.
They can make lives and they can end them.
Words are powerful.
People control words and therefore people are powerful.
But words control people and therefore people are weak.
Words mean everything.
Most words are lies.
So lies mean everything.
Lies are powerful.
Names are words too.
That makes most names- lies.
Names are powerful.
Names mean everything.
Names are lies.
My name is a lie.
The doctor was silent for a while, chewing on her pen as she skimmed over the words again and again. She looked thoughtful. Kyungsoo knew what that meant. Questions were coming. He looked at the clock. Twenty minutes left.
“This is….interesting.” Jessica gave the entry one last look over before closing the journal and setting it aside. “It seems like you’re beginning to really put down how you feel. It’s very poetic. But what do you mean by ‘my name is a lie’? Do you not like your name?”
The answer came easily. “I hate it.”
“Why is that? I think ‘Kyungsoo’ is a lovely name.”
Kyungsoo scoffed. Of course she wouldn’t know what he was talking about. He shouldn’t have written that.
The doctor waited for Kyungsoo to explain but when he didn’t continue, she smiled. It was pretty but unwelcome.
“Were you talking about your family name then? ‘Do’?” She urged gently. Kyungsoo remained silent. He actually wanted to say something- desperately wanted to tell someone about his name. But what would be the point if they didn’t understand? Jessica was his therapist, sure, but that didn’t mean he was obligated to spill everything to her. It’s not like speaking would change anything. It wouldn’t suddenly make him better or make him hate his name any less.
Still, for some reason, Kyungsoo tried anyway.
“No…I…” The doctor immediately perked up, listening carefully.
“I…It’s my real name….That’s the one I hate.”
“…Your ‘real’ name?”
He took a deep breath. “It’s the name you are born with. The name you have before the one your parents give you. It’s the name you can’t change- the name that defines you.”
Jessica set down her clipboard and clasped her hands. It was a sign meant to show Kyungsoo that that she was listening as ‘Jessica, the older sister figure’ rather than as ‘Jessica, the therapist’. She’s done it a few times but Kyungsoo never really believed it. Not even when her eyes shined with genuine interest. One way or another, this would go down in his patient files.
“And everyone has a real name?”
“…How do you know what your real name is?”
Kyungsoo touched his side unconsciously. “If you find the person who shares your name, then you’ll see it. Your real name is written on you but you can’t see it until that person sees it first.” He gripped his side. He would never be able to un-see it now.
“Only ‘if’ you find them?” Jessica mused. “Not ‘when’?”
“Some people never find them. So they never know.”
Jessica nodded, seeming to understand- or at least trying to make it look like she did. Kyungsoo tried not to think of how patronizing the action was.
“Hm, it sounds almost like a soul mate thing….” she leaned in. “So Kyungsoo, you obviously know your real name. Does that mean you found your special person already?”
Kyungsoo felt the blush rising before he could stop it. Despite everything, he did have someone special. He still couldn’t get used to that fact. “…I guess so.” he said finally.
The doctor practically squealed at his confession. “Can you tell me about them?” Kyungsoo thought she sounded like his female classmates, the ones who were too eager to hear the latest gossip. He hated them.
Kyungsoo shrugged noncommittally. He honestly didn’t know if he could- words failed him when it came to that person.
“Is that a no?” Kyungsoo shrugged again and Jessica seemed to deflate at his lack of enthusiasm (she even pouted). But thankfully she didn’t push it.
“Well, another time then…. How about your real name?” She asked lightly. “Can you tell me what it is?”
Kyungsoo stared at her. The thought of telling her crossed his mind for only a second before he grew angry. He shut his mouth tight and turned away from the doctor. He didn’t want to tell her only to start worrying about what she thought- about whether or not she would start making comparisons.
He didn’t need the extra judgment.
His reaction made Jessica quickly realize her mistake. She sighed softly.
“Ok, let’s just move on ….” The doctor put on her serious face, void of any smiles or playfulness. “Kyungsoo…are you ready to talk about how you lost your ears?”
Kyungsoo immediately tensed up. She knew damn well how he lost his ears. But of course the whole point of therapy was to talk about it. To get over it. Kyungsoo could talk and talk and talk until his lungs collapsed but unless it miraculously changed his past, there would be no getting over it.
He looked at the clock.
Ten minutes left.
Kyungsoo mentally praised Jessica for being such a patient woman. Even though it was obvious that he wasn’t going to talk (he hadn’t been talking since they started three months ago), the doctor waited. She managed to last a good minute before she spoke again.
“Kyungsoo….” Jessica moved closer and gave Kyungsoo the look. The one he absolutely hated. The look of pity. “I know this is a rough subject but we have to talk about it at some point. You’ve made some good progress with your journal and you’re learning to open up and express yourself again- slowly but surely. Everyone takes the road to recovery at their own pace, but you can’t even start down that road if you continue to hold it in….” Silence. “Ok, how about this- we’ll start really simple,” Her smile was back. Soft and encouraging. “I want your next entry to be about what happened. You don’t have to talk about it directly, just put how you feel. Can you do that?”
Kyungsoo simply put his hand out for his journal but Jessica took the gesture as compliance. He stuffed the journal in his bag and stood up. There was still two minutes left but he was on edge and ready to go. The doctor made no move to stop him as he headed for the door, but as soon as his hand touched the handle, she spoke up.
“See you next week. I really hope we can talk about your soul mate at some point.”
He offered no response and left the office.
That person was waiting for Kyungsoo when he came out of the building. His back was turned, his tail twitching restlessly and his ears flattened to his head from the chilly air. It was a familiar sight but Kyungsoo still had to stop a reorient himself, the doctor’s words ringing in his mind. Soul mate… That’s exactly what Jongin was to him.
At that moment Jongin turned around, his ears immediately perking up. Kyungsoo hoped that he wasn’t still blushing.
“Hey!” Jongin put out his hand expectantly.
“Hey.” Kyungsoo took it with ease.
As they began walking, Jongin began talking. They just saw each other only an hour ago so you would think there wouldn’t be much to say. However, Jongin always managed to find something to talk about. He made even mundane things like the weather sound beautiful. But while Jongin spoke, Kyungsoo could tell that he wanted to know how the session went. He always wanted to know but he never asked. He let Kyungsoo choose when to bring it up, if at all. Kyungsoo never said it, but he was grateful for the consideration.
“So, are you hungry? We could go somewhere.”
Kyungsoo shook his head. “It’s ok. We’ll eat at my place. Noona said she would make lunch.”
Jongin made a pleased noise, smiling brightly at the idea. He was always like that. So easygoing and light hearted. Jongin was a little naïve at times but he had a big heart. He was always so kind and caring, so smart and strong. He was the reason why Kyungsoo was still able to function. The reason why Kyungsoo hadn’t given up. Once upon a time, Kyungsoo wanted nothing more than to fade away. To wither and crumble until he was nothing but a memory. Now, it was terrifying to think that that would have happened if Jongin hadn’t found him when he did. It was the first time Kyungsoo began to believe in destiny.
Kyungsoo looked up to see Jongin’s worried face. They had stopped walking. He must have zoned out.
“Yeah. I just…” He shook his head. “I’m fine.”
Jongin’s worried gaze lingered for a moment longer but he say anything more. He just squeezed Kyungsoo’s hand and continued to lead him home.
True to her word, Kyungsoo’s noona had made them lunch. It was simple, just tea and sandwiches (a lot of sandwiches), but it was enough for them both. Jongin was especially happy, eagerly biting into his sandwich and humming at the taste.
“Sunkyu-noona makes the best sandwiches.” He said after swallowing his bite, quickly going in for another.
Sunkyu laughed as she poured her own cup of tea. “I’m flattered but really, anyone can make a good sandwich.”
“Well I haven’t met any of them yet.”
Sunkyu ruffled Jongin’s hair affectionately before taking a seat on the other side of the table. Her attention then turned to Kyungsoo who was just quietly eating his own sandwich.
“I know you don’t like me to ask…” Kyungsoo stopped chewing. “But how did the session go?”
Kyungsoo slowly finished eating his mouthful before speaking. “It was ok….The doctor said that I was making some progress….that I’m opening up more.”
Kyungsoo wasn’t sure if he imagined it, but Sunkyu seemed to relax at his words.
“That’s really good. I’m really happy for you sweetie.”
Hearing that made Kyungsoo a little happier. He was glad that he was slowly becoming less of a burden to his cousin. She and Jongin were the two people he cared about most.
The only two people he had left.
He went back to eating, silently taking note of how Jongin’s tail was gently wrapped around his waist.
After the light lunch, Sunkyu headed to work leaving the two boys alone in the tiny house. It was still early, but the two lied in Kyungsoo’s bed, listening to music and chatting sleepily. Eventually they both fell silent and Kyungsoo decided to tell Jongin what he had been waiting to hear.
“We didn’t talk about much this time.” He felt Jongin’s tail twitch in surprise. “Just about things like school and how I was feeling…She said my journal entry was poetic.” Jongin’s chuckled at that. Kyungsoo never let Jongin read his journal but the younger boy had always told him that he was a good writer.
“….and I told the doctor about the name thing.”
“Really? What did she say?”
“I don’t think she took me seriously…but she said it sounded like a soul mate thing.”
Jongin hummed. “She’s kinda right isn’t she? Soul mates are people who are destined for each other and people who share a name are destined for each other…but sometimes neither get to meet….” Kyungsoo agreed. The two were one and the same.
“….I also told her that I hated my real name.” It came out as a whisper, as if he was afraid to say it out loud. Or rather, as if he was afraid to tell Jongin. The younger boy was no stranger to Kyungsoo’s hatred for it. Back when they first met, Kyungsoo made sure that Jongin knew it. Now, he wished that he could take those words back. He still didn’t believe that he deserved his name, but he knew that Jongin did.
Kyungsoo was happy that destiny brought them together, but his name was a mistake.
“I know what you’re thinking.” Jongin was suddenly very close, his forehead pressed against Kyungsoo’s. “So stop it. Your name suits you- our name suits us. It was no mistake.”
Kyungsoo wanted to believe that- and he did somewhat. The name fit Jongin in every way. Kyungsoo wasn’t blind, he knew Jongin had imperfections. But they only made Jongin perfect all the more.
But Kyungsoo….he was just too imperfect. He was too tainted. His lack of ears showed that. He wanted to believe Jongin’s words, but he couldn’t. Not yet.
He still had a long way to go.
“I’m sorry Jongin.”
“Don’t be.” Jongin placed a soft kiss on Kyungsoo’s forehead. “Never be.”
Kyungsoo laid there in Jongin’s arms for a while, enjoying his gentle hold. He wanted to fall asleep like that, but something was still on his mind, nagging at him. He wanted to hold it in, suppress it until it disappeared but somehow the words managed to slip through his lips.
“I have to start talking about it soon. About him.” He felt Jongin’s arms tense around him. The words wouldn’t stop now. “She wants me to say what happened. She wants me to acknowledge it, to remember it. I’ll have to relive it.” Kyungsoo turned to look Jongin in the eyes. “I don’t want to do it. It’s been almost two years but I’m still really scared. I don’t want to see his face in my dreams again! I just want to forget!”
It was impossible to forget. Not when he had to be reminded what was taken from him every time he looked in the mirror. Not when his neighbors and teachers and classmates still gave him looks. When he knew that they knew.
Everyone knew him as the poor boy whose family fell apart.
“I want to get better but…I’m tired of crying….” Even as he said it, tears began to roll down his cheeks. Jongin quickly wiped them away.
“You don’t have to force yourself. No matter what she says, just go at your own pace. Speak when you feel ready.” Jongin rested his chin on Kyungsoo’s head and stroked his hair. “And know that I’m right here. I’ll always be here no matter what.”
Kyungsoo wrapped his arms around Jongin and held on tight. He hoped that his words would always be true.
Kyungsoo had no idea when he had fallen asleep but he found himself waking up to Jongin’s gentle shaking.
“Soo…Hey Soo, wake up.”
“What is it?” He rubbed his eyes. They were dry now and no doubt red and puffy.
“Someone’s trying to make contact.”
Kyungsoo’s hazy mind instantly became alert.
“I’ve been trying to ignore them but they’re persistent. It’s really annoying.” Jongin’s ears laid flat on his head, his expression pained. As soon as Kyungsoo focused he understood why. The signal was loud, so loud that Kyungsoo was surprised he slept through it.
“What do you want to do?”
He knew that Jongin already knew the answer. “Let’s go.”
“Are you sure?”
Kyungsoo was more than sure. This is what he needed right now.
It didn’t take long to track down the signal. It lead them to the river bank where two other males were waiting. One of them was barely taller than Kyungsoo but the other was at least half a head taller than Jongin. Both boys still had their ears.
“Wow, took you two long enough.” The shorter one said. “Almost thought you weren’t going to show up. All that concentration would have been a waste.”
“It was hard not to come- your signal was giving us a headache.” Jongin rubbed his ears which were mostly likely still ringing.
The taller boy laughed, his deep voice surprising. “Sorry about that. It’s been a while since we’ve done this so Baekhyun got a little overexcited.”
The shorter boy, Baekhyun, smiled and scratched his head sheepishly. “Yeah, sorry.”
“So you want to fight?” Kyungsoo didn’t like beating around the bush when it came to battles.
“Yeah, but how about some introductions first? It’s more interesting when you get to know your opponent, you know?” Kyungsoo didn’t think so but he didn’t get the chance to object. “I’m Baekhyun, the Fighter unit.”
“I’m Chanyeol,” the taller one supplied. “The Sacrifice. We’re both seventeen and in our third year. How about you two?”
Kyungsoo was a bit thrown off guard by the friendliness of the pair but Jongin didn’t seem to mind in the slightest.
“I’m the Fighter, Jongin.” He turned to Kyungsoo. “Kyungsoo is my Sacrifice.”
Baekhyun nodded. “And how old are you two?” He urged. It was a simple question but Kyungsoo knew what he was really wondering. He forgot to throw on a hat on his way out.
“I’m sixteen, second year. Jongin is fifteen, first year.”
Chanyeol suddenly clapped his hands excitedly. “Wow, it’s been a while since we’ve fought a pair younger than us! Hey what school do you guys go to? We go to-“
“Do you guys really want to fight?” Kyungsoo wasn’t up for swapping their life stories. He just wanted to cut to the chase.
“Oh, well yeah.” Baekhyun seemed a bit disappointed (and so did Jongin, he noticed). “I guess we can save the extra details for afterwards.”
Baekhyun turned to Chanyeol. The tall boy smiled brightly and nodded.
“Well alright then!” Baekhyun cracked his knuckles. “It’s nice to meet you two. I know you’re ready so let’s get started. I challenge you to a word battle!”
Jongin glanced at Kyungsoo.
“Go ahead.” He nodded.
“Ok, I accept!”
The wind swirled around them as they engaged their systems. Kyungsoo felt a rush of power and his connection to Jongin strengthen. This was the only time Kyungsoo was able to forget his past, his fears, his everything. He felt stronger, more confident- like he had a purpose. This was when he and Jongin truly became one. It was when Kyungsoo felt like he could temporarily accept his name. It was when he felt most alive.
He was suddenly drawn out of his moment by the other pair’s words.
“With endless determination and energy, our words will wear you down.”
“No one can match our enthusiasm, you’ll never keep up.”
“Together we are Tireless!”
Kyungsoo could tell that they embraced their name to the fullest. They were completely in sync and that would make them a tough opponent.
But he and Jongin were ready.
“We are a perfect whole, the ideal pair. Our connection is like no other.”
“We fight without error, our style is immaculate.”
“We are Flawless.”
Kyungsoo hoped that with each battle, it would one day become the truth.
I struggled so hard with their little battle phrase things.
I like baekyeol's but....kaisoo's....I couldn't think of anything better otl